Days keep going on. Am i the person still stay on with past? Am i the one who still can afford of losing someone? Am i the one who love to be alone? The question comes again and again. I had tried many times to figure out what are the exactly problem that i face. In fact, i am facing nothing here. My days just repeating the same thing without any changes. Morning Wake up - Work till Evening - back home - play with lui lui - Night sleep - pampered baby sleep - midnight - making milk for baby - continue sleep till morning. This is what i keep repeating done everyday. Really tired. My neck stress me so tight till sometimes i wanna let go everything. But how am i gonna let go since i already hold the responsible to being a mother as well. If i quit my job, how do i raise up my baby, how to go a better living for her, how do i manage her education and living expenses? In fact, i need to done all this things as i know that i need to scarifire for her future. This is my responsibility and now i knew that how hard to be a mother for childrens. I really want to apologize to my mum for my everything; my stubborn, my emotion, my fault, my words, and many things. This make me realise being a mother is hard; so do a good mother. Sometimes...i dunno how to teach her, feel that she going far from me. I cant understand what she thinking, what she want, and what she thinking of me? Am i her mother? But i cant feel it. Dunno how to express the feeling and starting to feel that i hardly being closer to her anymore. One day, i receive a call from a number that i unfamilliar on it. She ask me; do u still remember me? Forget me already ar? Erm, that moment i think, this sound so familliar but i cant manage to think who is the person on the phone. A while later, when she keep talking at the phone, only i able to think back this person is who. Owh, she is my secondary friend. She told me that how she get my hp number. And complaining that i like to change my hp num. *Yah..i admit that i love to change my hp num if i'm avoiding someone else..i do admit on this!!* So..continue asking me how is my lifes? why always working lately? (she get knew from my dad), and ask where am i working now. Continue with the phone while working (perhaps i really want to hang off this call..but hard) She told me that her dad had passed away just few month ago. She said that her day just like happy go lucky.. Continue back to my topic again, asking me is it i'm in relationship? Than i answered "i'm happy who am i now". She replied; erk? what means? means got or not ler? >_< Hahaha... Me: Not at the moment. Her: really boh? Me: (really or not its depend on u ok!! Tell u, u asking me back the answer..zzzz) Her: why your sound seem not willing to talk wan..didn change at all ler.. still like last time your voice..hahaha. Me replied: ya merh.. this is what i react on call. If i over react on the phones.. that i really busy on handling people calls. Her: *laugh on the phone*, Got contact with our old frend ma? Me: totally lost contact, i think i wont contact back...cos i loves my lifestyle now..seldomly mixed withi frend..erm..is totally didn mixed with frend ever.. Talking a few hours on phone..and my ear gonna kemek de.. =.= Last end the call with ; Me: ok lar.. i gonna do something else liao..my jobs still on hand. She replied..ok lar.. call me when u free. Than i say ok ok ok... *see first* byeeeeee... hang off.. phewwwwwww finally end the call. Now i realise, my frend will look for me instead i looking for them.. Do anyone know why? I think..this is what i facing on "friend" this kind of relationship. Friend? Hmm.. For myself..i found i cant find someone who can talk to me heart by heart.. Cant find a frend to hang out always, cant find a frend that willing spend time to listening my crap, my sadness even..happiness. I lost my frend. Even in my hp list, i got many of them but its doesnt mean that they are my "frend" that i means at there. They wont call me out, wont call me when they facing problem, or sad nor happiness. Even a little sms-ing to greet amongs, also didn have. I know they will feel sad if the read my blog here.. But its true, what from my heart. I cant deny on it. I need to be truth on here cause i promised to throw all my rubbish here.. no matter good or bad. Tired. I really tired enough on friend relationship or either further relationship than friend. I want be myself enough. Even i know i will hurt my "friend" or people that concern about me. But i dunno what should i be. This is the true sound from my heart all this way long. I know if future i realise the meaning of "friend" are.. i hope wont be too late to looking back for my friend again. Sorry and i sincerely apologize to my "friend" if my words hurts you. To be end here, lastly i want to sound out my last sentences to "him" God, please let me go through my lifes easily..i hate my lifes being so complicated. End Task # 4 | 
